In my previous post I said something about having no career opportunities. Well, pranks on everyone! I am now (not to brag) a professional dog walker. So, my 8000 years in university to complete a 4 year degree was all worth it. Moral of the story? Work hard, stay on campus until midnight, learn to cry quietly in the bathroom, and get your honours. After that you too could have the opportunities that I have today.
I am walking 4 doggos who are wildly different from one another but they are all quite lovely. Let's go through them. We will start from biggest to smallest.
Up first, we have Pepper, an enormous Ridgeback. Despite her intimidating size, Pepper is terrified of everything, to the point where it is very difficult to even get her in the car when there are other dogs in there. Eventually, I have to use all the physical strength I can muster and lift her into my car. She then will go into the front seat, sit down and look scared. After the walk she politely drools all over my car and looks very embarrassed while doing it.
Next! We have Brody the Beagle. I don't see Brody much because as soon as we get out of the car, he zooms off into the ether. His favourite activities are going too close to dangerous looking cliff faces and running down dark paths. Mainly he just likes to disappear completely. Don't we all, Brody. It is only once I have gone into a severe panic about having lost someone else's dog does Brody reappear, looking rather pleased with himself for causing emotional distress. And that is how I have developed a dependency on sedatives and other medication. On top of that, Brody likes to go into any body of water that he can find so that he can soak himself just minutes before getting into my car. I think he thinks that he is doing me a favour by cleaning himself in a gross stream that is home to tadpoles and possibly cholera. Thanks, Brody!
Then comes Pepper. Wait, haven't we mentioned Pepper? This is Pepper II! I never realised that this was a popular dog name. Pepper II is a bulldog (shem). She always sounds like she is choking. Please stop breeding Bulldogs and Pugs, they both are a quarter to suffocating completely. Soon their noses will have concaved so thoroughly that they will move to the back of their heads. Although she may look like a brick, Pepper II is deceptively fit. About 10 seconds into my first walk with her, I thought that she was going to die immediately because of the awful sounds that she was omitting. She proved me wrong by zooming ahead, almost keeping up with Brody. Another nice thing about Pepper II is she is a living sprinkler. Much like Pepper I, after the walk, Pepper II enjoys making a little waterfall with her mouth and then shaking it around in the back of my car to ensure that every surface is washed.
And last, but certainly not least, we have Tambourine. Tambourine is an old Jack Russell who is roughly the size of a lemon. She is also Pepper I's housemate (Brody and Pepper II are also housemates in a different home). Despite Tambourine being the size of Pepper I's head, Pepper is still scared of her. Her tiny legs mean that she cannot keep up with her bigger dog friends. Every so often, I will look behind me only to see that Tambourine has disappeared from view. But never fear! In a few minutes, a tiny speck will emerge over the horizon. Is it a moth? No it's Tambourine. Look at her little legs furiously Flinstoning in order to keep up with the (Kardashians) crew. She will then see that I have stopped and, no matter how far away she is, she too will stop because clearly we are all stopping now.
Okay, that's all I have for today.
"Bye bye," as Dub from SABC 1 said. RIP Dub.
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