"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the kettle" - Humbledore (Dumbledore's relative, a more stay-at-home, low-key guy. He prefers a quiet night in with a steaming cuppa over putting students lives at risks and keeping vital information about their lives from them. Humbledore also thought Snape was a complete prat all along, no matter how many times he said, "always". Seriously, how did that one line make everyone forgive him? He was the worst. Never has a character made me throw a book down in frustration multiple times).
Some people say coffee is a "drug" and to those people I say, "I can quit anytime I want!" before politely cutting them out of my life and selling my one remaining liver on the black market to fund my flight to South America. An ancient coffee plantation lies at the foothills of a mountain that is said to reach the heavens. I cannot reveal the location because I will be cursed for seven generations by the Bean gods. To this plantation I will make my pilgrimage to handpick the beans. The journey back is of upmost importance. The bean's transition from their world into ours must be made in a leather pouch that has been carefully strapped to a handsome alpaca. My relationship with coffee is perfectly healthy one that doesn't impact my day to day life therefore not a problem.
Many a person share a similar journey to coffee-dom. The first experience of coffee is rarely a positive one. It is usually a sip of your parent's morning cup which is followed by a violently disgusted reaction. How could anyone drink something so VILE? It is dirt! Pure dirt. Chances are, it was ins...insta...instant coffee. The grounds of hell. From there you will either swear off coffee completely or can only enjoy it when the coffee to sugar ratio is about 10-90. "In my younger and more vulnerable years" (as Fitzgerald said in his novel about horrible people) I went through a huge tea phase, drinking this leaf secretion at a furious rate. Soon it was spilling out of my ears and running through my veins, sometimes I would even notice that, in a hot bath, the water would change colour as I brewed for 3-5 minutes (depending on your strength preference) before enjoying with milk and sweetened to taste. Needless to say, it came to a point where I needed a break and so began my search for a new warm beverage. At a certain age the need to reflect how grown up you are becomes essential and, at that age, ordering a hot chocolate is not grown up and I can't believe you suggested that, Mom, that's so embarrassing, I'm 14! Surprisingly, one's beverage of choice does not contribute much to one's personal development but we only realise that in hindsight. The territory of the chai Latte is then explored and then, what's this? A dirty chai latte? Now doesn't that sound grown up? Almost too grown up! From there we are thrust into the world of flavoured coffees, hazelnut, mocha etc etc. Toes are then tentatively dipped into lattes and frothy cappuccinos (followed by stern telling-offs because it is "socially unacceptable" to put your feet into other people's mugs, forcing you to order your own cappuccino and drink it like a civilised human being). Before you know it, you're in university, strung up to several caffeine IVs and snorting coffee grounds off your desk in between writing induced hand cramps.
I have recently found myself spending a lot of time in coffee shops because, if it hasn't been made clear, I rather like coffee. A cafe is also the go-to answer to many things. Meeting for a catch up? Cafe. Business meeting? Cafe. Studying? Cafe. Passing time? Cafe. Funeral planning? Cafe. Celebration? Cafe! Bad news? Cafe :( You get the gist. These steaming cups of roasted loveliness form the very core of Cape Town's social scene. That and ridiculously trendy, over-priced gin bars with pretentiously vague names like "A Place" or something that leaves out all the vowels, Gn Br. Alchl. W r Bg Gts. There are many wonderful observations that can be made in a coffee shop. It is quite fun to look around and try and work out what life event has brought a person to that particular coffee shop at that particular moment. There are a few reoccurring characters that you will usually come across.
- The Newspaper Reader. This person can fall anywhere on the wide age spectrum from about mid 40s to the early centenarians. Spectacles with thick, black frames will be perch atop nose (these frames also fall on a spectrum: trendy magazine editor to comfortable-shoe-wearing people who require thick frames that don't cut into their noses). A table will be rearranged to their preference, if a couch is a seating option it will be chosen and then the newspaper will be spread across every surface within a two meter radius.The Newspaper Reader will impressively read every single article and become greatly distressed if they are missing a section of the newspaper, even if it is just the property part. You will see them break into a cold sweat as the reach the end of the sports page and begin scanning the room for the uncommitted section thief. "Who takes only one section?" you can hear their brains screaming. "Do they even like the newspaper? I bet they can't even name three of the newspaper's latest albums". Depending on the manners they have been raised with, the Newspaper Reader will either irritably demand if the culprit is nearly finished with the section or they will timidly make their way over to the person and, in a voice on the verge of tears, ask if they can get it next, only when you're done though! No rush, no rush! Two hours in and the Newspaper Reader is usually surrounded by multiple empty mugs and the wrapper of a pecan muffin. It is at the end of a Newspaper Reader's visit that we get a vulnerable, honest look into the person's soul, we see the person beneath the facade. Nothing reveals a character like the state in which they leave the newspaper. Some will be decent and gather the pages, folding them neatly and in order for the next member of their clan. Others will give not one iota of care about their kinsmen and just about throw every page to opposite ends of the cafe. The latter are a line of human that we can only hope will be eradicated through natural selection.
- The Laptopper. The Laptopper comes in two forms. One is the Business Person. The Business Person will be doing eye shots of double espressos because they've been woRKING ON THIS PITCH FOR 3 DAYS STRAIGHT NOW. PROMOTIONS AREN'T GOING TO EARN THEMSELVES. They will be shouting statistics and dictations to some poor overworked, underpaid intern on the other side of their phone, compulsively checking their watches and fiercely opening and closing graphs on the laptops.
Then there is The Student. The Student can be identified by their university branded hoodie and a student card hanging around their neck. Wearing your student card lanyard is almost a way of allowing your university to patronise you with a participation medal. The hair of The Student may suggest that they have spent a good few days in bed but the general sunken expression and dark eyes will contradict this. Out of their ears headphone chords trail like a lifeline, connecting them to a beat which keeps them awake or focused. Around exam time, my YouTube suggestions sync up to my recent searches and lead me to "5 hours of soothing wind chime melodies for concentration" or "repetitive drum and bass that will drown out your screams of panic because this tutorial was due 2 hours ago". I started off by telling you how to identify The Student through their clothing which was rather silly. The best way to find a student in a cafe is to look for a little fortress of course readers, secured with Post-Its and painted in neon yellow (because no one knows how to highlight efficiently. It all looks important). If you can see a person behind this pile, they will be wearing the aforementioned attire. They may also asleep or crying. They have only one mug next to them, something enormous which will be made to last because a student budget only allows for one cup. Every illusion of productivity is being radiated from the Student but, if you look very closely, you will see that they will have one PDF of notes open and 40 other tabs open including Facebook, a Buzzfeed quiz to tell you what kind of pastry you are and several Google searches of questions that aren't really important until you have something due the next day (Are frogs and toads friends? Do snakes get self-conscious when they shed their skin? What kind of toothpaste does Celine Deon use?) Today I saw a student that had shamelessly abandoned any illusion of working, his notes were neatly piled out of his way and he was using Seattle's WiFi for online gaming. This is a man with no pretenses. Good for you,sir.
There are several other characters, the high school students who are in their flavoured latte phase, the person who trying to find a way to look busy while waiting for their friend, the person who is being stood up by a friend, two people who have 4 years worth of news to catch each other up and cannot afford to breathe in between their stories. Sometime you will see an interaction between two people who are having an awkward, obligatory reconnection and don't have much to talk about. Those are the best. Several volumes could be written on the ins and outs of a coffee shop.
Oh, how a simple liquid brings communities together and create a harmon... I can't actually finish a sentence so groan inducing. Coffee does not unite us, no. It is just a comfortable way of conducting social things which can otherwise be uncomfortable. Sipping one's coffee is a handy filler in awkward silences; any unpleasant meeting has a time limit that directly corresponds to the size of your coffee and the speed at which you drink it. Essentially, it is the international solution to "what do I do with my hands?"
Thanks for reading!
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